Non colour
by kingleby
Summary: Gippal has become lost in every day worklife, and is more haunted by his past than he allows people to see. But will a trip to a noble, spirited place help him see how beautiful life can be? GippalRikku
1. Shattered dream

**Non-colour **

Hi, I'm back! This is just s short story I've been working on, which will be about four chapters or so. Basically at the moment I'm working on this, my novel, the story New soul for the angel of death and my new idea No Reason (Zidane as a kid! Lol.) The idea for this is kind of strange, but I hope you like it! Will have good Gippal/Rikku moments as it goes on, promise! It's in Gippal's point of view, by the way. Enjoy!

Updated: forgot to put the disclaimer, and I've now tried correcting mistakes people noticed. If I missed some, please do tell me!

Disclaimer: I don't own any final fantasy, or squaresoft. If I did, then I would be getting them to make a ff9 movie like they have done with Advent Children.

**Shattered dream**

I've seen a lot of things in my life, both good and bad. I've experienced many events that I later both come to regret and cherish. But being restricted in Spira like our people used to, I never knew there were places I would never go, things I would never get to experience first hand. But that's all changed now, Spira has changed and we're allowed to see it.

I've seen a lot of blood and I've seen a lot of sand. It'd just the basic life for an Al Bhed to see it. The Crimson Squad taught me a lot of different things, and one of those was to see the world beyond the isolation and the sorrow. I know it may sound stupid but I never really realised there was anything more besides Sin and the typical Yevonites. I just saw Spira filled with Yevonites, all who hated Al Bheds and blamed Sin's existence on us and our machina.

I've seen something beyond that though, I saw it two years ago when I met our squad in the desert. It started with the machina; finally, they were willing to use machina to destroy Sin and then maybe use it in everyday life. I guess a thousand years really can make people change ideas, or maybe it was because the Al Bheds now lived in isolation that things had become clearer. Cid saved us by giving us Home, he gave us hope. Maybe…just maybe he'd given others hope too, hope that if we could survive in a desert, then they could trust us to help them do more them just outlive Sin.

I've seen this happen, the time after Sin, and truthfully I'd never felt more empty. Sin was gone, Home was gone; purpose was gone. And having a bullet wound at the time hadn't helped my mood either. But I'm an Al Bhed, not only that, but I'm Gippal. I wasn't about to let that empty feeling consume me like it had Nooj. I planned to help Spira become what it should and secure our people's place in that.

I've seen Al Bheds, Yevonites and many others get along, I've seen them digging together because of my Faction; laughing and talking like old friends. After hiding in the desert, thinking of it as our only hope of survival, we could now work alongside Yevonites in it, fearing nothing except fiends. I've seen many things like that, many, many things. Yet always I felt…odd. Like there's something still missing, something I've yet to do, yet to see.

I've seen red blood, yellow sand, green grass, blue water…but there's something missing. What happened to non colour? Like black, like the night. I've seen the night, and in the desert it used to be a dotted with white stars, shining through sorrow and promising happier days. I know it may sound stupid, but where is the white? Why must it always stand amongst darkness? Why can't there be good without the threat of evil close by?

I've seen evil, I've seen it in people and in things; I can even see it in the sky. But what of good? The calm can be so easily shattered; evil can always conquer the good. Why? How can we be sure it won't continue to happen?

I've seen…

"A chocobo?"

"Fryd?" (What?) I asked, sitting up on the stool and twirling it in Baralai's direction. He was petting a chocobo there curiously. "Looks like one to me." I joked easily.

"I know that but…I didn't realise they would have one on the ship."

"You wouldn't think they'd have a lunatic steering it either, but they do." I yawned, finishing off the drink that the hypello had given me. I had no idea what was in it, could have been poison, but I was still too pissed off to care.

"You really didn't want to come." Baralai observed, I just shrugged, what can you say to such an obvious statement?

"I had better things to do." I settled for.

"Better than ensuring the safety and security of the Ronsos?" Nooj butted in, using his cane to limp over.

When I'd first met Nooj I had nothing but admiration for the guy, then I learnt about the Deathseeker thing and I lost it for a while. I thought he was a hero-type, one who'd believed in the fight against Sin and who would bear his injuries with pride. But then I realised it wasn't realistic and I had no right to judge him that way. He'd lost two limbs to Sin; I lost an eye to a machina malfunction.

"I guess not, but I still don't want to freeze on a mountain." Okay, so I'm grumpy, can you blame me? Probably; but I've had a rough week and I really don't want to end it by freezing to death while setting up some stupid communication spheres.

Want to know all about my bad week?

Day one: Meeting in Luca with Spira's leaders, very boring. I spent the whole meeting half-listening, half trying to make Rikku laugh. Neither worked, then my second-in-command embarrassed me by sucking up to Tromell.

Day two: Still in Luca, meeting went on _all day_ again. Only this time the Gullwings had been called to visit Mt. Gagazet so not even Rikku was there to annoy.

Day three: I bumped into an old girlfriend on the way back to Djose. I had a 'talk' and later on found her _at_ Djose in my second-in-commands bed.

Day four: My Second-in-command…err, quit, and I got piled with all his work along with my own. The fun.

Day five: Got called to Luca (again, guess they really like me), but the meeting wouldn't start till the next day (Tromell's fault) so I did my paper work.

Day six: Another boring meeting, the Gullwings were back and 'requested' the main leaders of Spira to meet Elder Kimarhri (who won't leave his stupid, freezing mountain) and to help install some security up there.

Day seven: Which is today; with us on the airship Celsius flying to the freezing weather. Not a fun week.

"Perhaps he is merely afraid of the cold weather." Baralai said unhelpfully, making Nooj frown even more at me. They both knew he was right, so what? I've never really liked cold weather, being so used to the warmth of the desert. Like most Al Bhed claim I know the desert as well as I knew Home, but unlike most I actually mean it. I love the desert even though it was our prison from the rest of the world. I would definitely prefer to spend the day there than freezing my butt off.

"Just borrow Lady Rikku's scarf, you seem to know her well enough for that." Nooj said eventually, after realising I wasn't going to say anything.

"She'll need it more herself with the amount of clothes she doesn't wear…ouch!" I hadn't heard them come in, but I _knew_ Baralai and Nooj had, I could tell by how they were smirking.

"Sayhea!" (Meanie!) Rikku yelled in my ear while I rubbed my poor head. "E tnacc banvaldmo veha!" (I dress perfectly fine!)

"Oui funa suna frah fa mejat eh y tacand Cid'c kenm." (You wore more when we lived in a desert Cid's girl.) I pointed out, not that I actually minded about the new outfit. It was…well, Rikku-like.

"Ed'c so lruela!" (It's my choice!)

"Fuimt oui dfu crid ib!" (Would you two shut up!) Paine interrupted. I looked at her and smirked, I really had taught her Al Bhed well.

"What's wrong with her?" I asked Rikku, who just shrugged.

"You're annoying me; that's what." Paine muttered, her glare softening a little when she spotted Baralai. Those two are so obvious, everyone sees it but them.

"She obviously wanted to come as much as you did." Nooj muttered, sitting down on a stool awkwardly. I just glared at him; I _knew_ what he was doing. And sure enough it worked; Rikku was snooping in my business.

"Awww! Didn't poor desert baby Gippal want to come to the big cold mountain?" She taunted in a baby voice. Usually I find her voice kind of adorable, but at that moment I hated it. "I thought you used to dream of seeing all of Spira, to look up at the…"

"Alright, I get it!" I snapped, surprising everyone. Even myself in a way.

But I was fed up, it had been a bad week, and I couldn't stand her making fun of the one secret dream (which I now regret telling her) which I've always held onto. My idea of non-colour to remind me that evil won't always come back, that what we do matters.

"…Gippal, are you alright?" She asked quietly now, sitting next to me. It reminded me of old times, when we would always talk to each other when it got too hard.

But this wasn't old times. We weren't in the desert anymore.

"I'm going to hurt you if you don't stop moping around." Nooj butted in. I just shrugged, watching as the hypello placed another unknown substance in front of me.

"Makes you feel better?" It said; I just gave a grim smile before sipping at it.

"…Does this have something to do with Mura?" Rikku asked.

_How in the name of the farplane did she **know** that? _I guess we really do know each other too well.

"..Maybe." I answered.

"Who's Mura?" Paine asked. She was definitely growing nosier.

"Someone who broke his heart." Rikku said half jokily.

"She did not." Which is true actually, she didn't really mean anything much to me. But she did break something, and I'm not talking something physical here. If it hadn't been for Rikku…

"Rikku…" I began.

"I know." She smiled. And I knew she did. That's the great thing about her, no matter what she always seems to understand what I'm trying to say. There's not a lot of people like her.

"I'm lost." Tidus admitted. Tidus is a cool guy, I've only met him a few times, but he isn't as stiff as everyone else. He hasn't been affected with Yevon ways, or emotionally beaten into believing only one set way. He believes in himself, and he believes in those around him.

Once upon a time, I was like that. And then Mura came along and destroyed it. And this week she came back and took my second-in-command with her.

It wasn't so much what she did that had gotten me so pissed off; it's the way she did it. And after all that time she called me a fool for my dream, now she was…

"Isn't that the Al Bhed woman who you met on the Highroad a few days ago?" Baralai asked, always the observant one. "I take it the two of you have a past?"

"That _pedlr_ has some nerve showing her face." Rikku spat out. I looked at her in surprise then. For one thing, Rikku rarely swears, and for another she doesn't get angry that easily. I guess I really must have been a mess after what Mura did back then. "So what did she do this time? Leave with you best friend again?" I snorted at that. The irony, really.

"My second-in-command." I corrected, and despite it, I saw Rikku seeing the humour too.

"Am I the only one who doesn't understand this?" Tidus asked, making his girlfriend grin at him.

"It's a long story." Me and Rikku said together.

"We're heerrrreee!" Brother's annoying voice broke through. The others began talking amongst themselves, and Rikku took the chance to whisper to me.

"Fa oui cina oui'na ugyo?" (We you sure you're okay?)

How do you explain to someone that you've lost hope? That after so long of struggling to _believe_ in something it's now been shattered beyond repair. It's been lost for the last time. How do I tell her I've given up? After all we've been through…I'm being such a coward.

But I can't do this anymore. I don't see any hope in the future like I used to. I don't see the non-colour.

All I have is a shattered dream.

"E lyh'd tu drec yhosuna Rikku, E's zicd duu denat." (I can't do this anymore Rikku, I'm just too tired.)

She understood. She always does. But part of me had hoped she wouldn't, or that she would just plainly refuse to believe it and knock some sense into me. But she didn't. And that made me really see I had given up, because Rikku knows me better than I do. She already knew it was hopeless to help.

I'm lost, lost just like my dream. Shattered and never to be repaired.

The non-colour has died. Evil will always return. Always.


	2. Falling hope

**Non-colour **

Sorry for the delay! I explained it in review replies (those who weren't anonymous) that I got kind of stuck on the main plot/reason Gippal is actually so depressed. But I've figured it out now! Anyway, I'll try write more soon, and I hope you like the chapter. Please do tell me if Gippal is too OOC. I know he is due to his attitude, but if he's also not sounding Gippal-like with the conversations, please do tell me! Thanks!

**Falling hope**

I don't remember much about my parents, they died a long time ago. I never even met my old man, he never knew I existed, or rather would soon exist, when he went on a salvage mission that was victim to Sin. I'm a bastard child.

But my mother…I remember her a little. Not much, and even less as the years go by, but there's always one memory I hold dear. One I will never forget. The memory that has given me a sense of purpose throughout my whole life.

I was about three at the time, sat just outside the walls of Home a little after sunset. Mum was there and little Rikku with her family. It's kind of weird she was there really, because that's when my dream began, and she would be there both the times it shattered.

I've always loved the stars, all those little white lights amongst the consuming darkness. The little burning balls of hope. Even then non-colour was something that calmed and inspired me. That night just made me realise how much I relied on them, them small balls of hope hanging above us all, no matter who we were.

"See the stars Gippal?" Mum whispered into my ear, as if we were sharing a secret. "Those are very special fayths watching over us. They are people who lived hard but noble lives and brought happiness to many people. And when they died they were allowed to lift up from the farplane and become a shining star. They watch over us, protect us and give us hope through any hard times we face. And on the occasions when we begin to lose hope…that's when we see a shooting star."

I remember how I'd looked at her then, smiling with childish innocence and confusion. How beautiful the tale was. How much I loved it, how I still do.

"A shooting star is them rushing down to help us, to give us a new form of hope. Do you understand?"

I remember shaking my head. I remember looking over at Rikku in order to stave off boredom.

"Well…its like the day I found out Sin had taken your father away. I lost my hope that day, but then I saw a shooting star, and I soon learnt I was having you. The shooting star sent you to me because I needed you so much, and they knew I would love you more than life itself."

That story has always stayed with me, always…Of course for a long time I thought babies came to Spira with shooting stars though. It wasn't until when I was older that I realised what my mum really meant. But even when I didn't fully understand it had helped me. The dream was there, as well as her.

Who is her you ask? Not my mum, she died not long after that night. I guess it was her way of saying goodbye, because she knew her time was ending. Another reason I love the story so much, I guess.

But that's not the point; the point is that the person who helped me see my dream was Rikku. It always has been. Even on that night, when it was my mother telling the story, saying her goodbye, I saw my dream more in Rikku.

Maybe it was because she was younger than anyone else, and therefore I thought she had more of a connection with the stars. I don't know. But it was her who made me look at non-colour as my hope. And what was the words that began this? The two words uttered which gave me the purpose and inspiration to become what I am now?

"Yucky sand!"

Yeah, Rikku always did have her strange ways to inspire people. And that was mine. Yucky sand. Pretty stars. Beautiful specs of hope shining above us and for us. And in her case…in us.

It's her eyes you see. Her beautiful eyes. They're different from anything I've ever seen before, and more beautiful than any part of Spira ever could be. They are swirling orbs of hope, tiny pieces of beauty that are right here on Spira, watching me through a human being. A beautiful young woman who has always known me better than I know myself. She is my living shooting star.

Not that I'd ever tell her that. I've wanted to at times but…I don't know; I just never could. What if it turned out badly? What would there be then if Rikku grew to hate me? I'd rather not tell her at all then risk the friendship we have.

And if you still don't understand what I mean by that then you'll have to live with it. Because I won't admit it aloud, or in my head. Or…well, ever.

So when the girl who means everything to me remains silent in the moment I need her most?

It sucks.

I just told her I'm too tired to try, to care, to believe what any of us do actually matters. And she just gave me a weak smile, and started pulling me outside.

Confused?

Me too.

"Rikku…"

"Just come and see…I know you'll like it." She sounded so sure, and so beautiful…

Okay, okay! Enough of that, she's just a friend. She can only be just a friend.

"Rikku! Tuh'd duilr dryd drehk, oui'mm kad y tecayca!" (Rikku! Don't touch that thing, you'll get a disease!) Brother of course. We never were that close, and for some reason he'd always hated the connection I have with his sister. Except we're only friends of course.

"Rao Brother." (Hey Brother) I muttered, too fed up to even care. He frowned at me and actually shut up. I must have really looked beyond fed up.

"What's your problem?" He asked in his thick accent. I just shrugged, getting pulled along behind Rikku. "What's his problem?" I heard him ask someone behind us. I ignored them all. I was just so tired.

"Close your eyes." Rikku commanded with a grin when we reached the bottom of the engine room stairs. "Oops, I mean eye." I grinned at that and did as I was told. There was no point arguing with her. "Okay, now just trust me." She said as she gently grabbed my other hand as well, leading me down the ramp. "...Gippal? Do you remember when you used to say shooting stars were fayth angels coming down to help us? And how no matter how bad things got, when you saw one it meant good would always win, and we had a purpose."

"Yeah." I whispered, realising how stupid it sounded.

"Well…what if there was more than one? What would that mean?"

"Huh?"

I really didn't understand that. More than one shooting star?

"You can open your eye now."

Something was making a crunching noise under my feet, and so when I opened my eye, that's what I saw first.

Non-colour white. Under my feet.

I breathed out a shaky breath and bent down to touch it.

_Touch it._

Touch the stars?

I know it wasn't really the stars, but it was the same type of thing. It didn't have to be the stars, it just had to be my dream; it had to be non-colour.

And it was.

"Oh!" I cried out in surprise, jumping up. It was cold. I hadn't expected it.

"Did it bite you?" Nooj muttered as he shuffled towards us. I could hear the white non-colour miracle crunching beneath him.

"It's so cold." I muttered, bending towards it again. But I stopped in shock when I felt something pinch my face.

"What did you expect?" Nooj snorted. "Snow is cold."

"Snow?" I asked as I looked up at the sky. Every muscle in my body froze at what I saw.

"Don't tell me you don't know what snow is." Nooj scoffed. For some reason he sounded as if I'd personally offended him with my ignorance. But I didn't care. I just could only look at the miracle of that sky.

It was nearing sunset, but not yet dark. But they were falling, so many tiny stars falling towards us, towards me. Small balls of hope, so many of them…

Little fayth angels coming to grant hope, all falling towards us. Towards me and Rikku.

_Crunch, crunch._

It's strange, I never realised any noise would be made when you crush a miracle. But I guess 'crunch' is the sound.

We're crushing it, destroying them beneath our feet. Because no matter how we try, we're not perfect, we make mistakes, we destroy the hope given to us.

Yet more continues to fall, always continuing to come.

A never-ending cycle. No matter how many times hope is lost, more will come.

…But what if all the stars are used up? What if there stops being worthy human beings to become angels? What will happen then?

…Will we be alone? Will we have to struggle by ourselves without anyone to save us from our sins?

…Is that what happened with Sin? Were they trying to tell us something by Yu Yevon's treachery? That without the fayth angels we are left to our own ignorance, we will not always be saved.

The stars are not always going to fall for us. Someday we will have to make our own hope. But is that possible? Judging by the past…

"Are you _crying_?" Nooj asked in horror. I blinked then and felt the wetness on my face. Was I? I hadn't even noticed.

"Fryd'c fnuhk?" (What's wrong?) Rikku asked gently, touching my arm lightly. Her touch jolted me out of my weird trance enough to wipe away the tears on my face. "E-E druikrd ed fuimt lraan oui ib." (I-I thought it would cheer you up.)

I smiled at her then, a real one. Not a smirk, but a smile. I don't give a genuine smile often, but Rikku usually receives them. What can I say? That's just the way it's always been. Even Mura had known that.

"Just realised something." I told her. "Rikku…"

How do you tell your best friend they are your everything? That it's taken you so many years to realise the white I live for is her? I can't tell her that, I can't even be sure it's true. Not totally…but she's the only constant thing of my life, more constant than the stars or the snow. She's always there when I need her, if not physically than in another sense…and I'm not saying it, it sounds way too cheesy to say aloud.

"You don't have to say anything Gippal." She grinned, grabbing her hand again. "I want you to meet someone. I _know_ you'll love this!"

And that's when I was shoved into a blue giant.

Thanks a bunch Rikku.


	3. It came back

**Non-colour **

Okay, this chapter is as confusing as hell. Sorry about that, but it's partly supposed to be like that, it shows the state Gippal is in more that way. But if it really is unclear, just tell me and I'll try to redo it. Hope you enjoy!

**It came back**

This was the moment I should have come to grips with everything that I'd been faced with this past week or so. It's the moment I should have ignored the Ronso and turned to Rikku; my everything (in a sense) and said those three damnable words.

No. not _those_ words. She can be nothing more than a friend. I'm talking about three more important words, ones which will affect everything in my life if I could just accept them to be real.

**It came back.**

Those three words hit me with such obvious suddenness that I fell into the snow. Luckily everyone assumed it was actually due to Cid's girl pushing me into the Ronso leader.

**It came back. **

Fayth, what am I going to do?

"Whoops, sorry Kimahri." Rikku said with a sheepish smile. I just kept staring at the snow as it touched the ground, more pieces of hope that would soon be crushed.

It came back for me, but not for Mura. Why? Why had it returned to the one who'd struggled against for so long, and leave the one who'd accepted it alone? Why?

After everything that's happened…it came back.

And I have to tell her. I have to tell _everyone_…but I can't seem to believe myself…it's just…

"Kimahri not mind." The giant blue fluffball told her. I was still staring at the ground, but shifted my gaze upwards when I heard him knelt in front of me. "Is Al Bhed Elder okay?"

I heard Rikku burst into fits of laughter at that while I managed to lose the rest of my dignity by just blinking at the kneeling Ronso, trying to refocus my mind on the present situation.

"No worries, I'm in one piece." I said, summoning up a trademark smile. "But I'm not the Al Bhed Elder, that's Cid. I'm just in charge of the Machine Faction."

I said Elder out of respect; after all we were at their mountain. I've never really met a lot of Ronsos before but I respected them more than any other race in Spira. They believe so fully in the mountain, a very _part _of Spira, and they would never corrupt that. They are loyal to themselves, and fierce to defend the ones they love and respect. In some sense they have qualities the Al Bhed once did when we were isolated in Home. But now the Ronsos prove to be the only race that stood together no matter what, and will always love our Spira.

"Kimahri don't think so." Before I could say anything semi-witty to counter this I was being hauled up by one arm, lifted off the ground and then gently settled back on my feet.

"Um…thanks." I managed to say, for some reason feeling incredibly nervous in front of this leader of such an important tribe. No offence to Baralai or Nooj in anyway, but Ronso leaders…I;ve always wanted to meet the Elder. They have a spiritual awareness of Spira _itself_ that I've always wanted to witness. To hear the mountain…

"Wow Kimahri, I've never seen you act so nice to a stranger before." Yuna teased, which me move away from the Elder so they could catch up and introduce the others. And since I am such a focused leader (but one going through a type of denial) I turned my attention away and began walking up the slope leading towards the mountain path.

Snow. White, pure, untouched, unspoilt. Not to be mixed with colours.

It's a state of freedom, wholeness, a happiness and innocence not to be ruined, not to be touched. An otherworldly form, more so than the farplane. That what I felt the wind whisper to me on the mountain trial. What the mountain snow was revealing to me.

Snow are small pieces of innocent white, easily crushed, easily spoilt. Yet not forever solid, their innocence cannot be solid, it can never be truly touched, never be claimed.

White, pure, untouched. Not to be mixed with colours, for then the non-colour would cease to be.

White is a non-colour and in that sense I don't see it as representing the light or good in the world. Non-colour black does not represent darkness or evil it's something much simpler and something far beyond such concepts.

Non-colour…it is the bare essence of meaning, of _everything_. It's hard to explain what it means to me, but it has always been my hope. It was the thought of its meaning that kept me going the first time what's coming entered into my life.

Non-colour is the base of everything, it is what colour and people's personalities are built up from. It is what is there before life has it become more, before the races of Spira twist it into being colour.

Everyone has different views on what their non-colour is, what the meaning of our world came from, what I will always remain as no matter what colour it is transformed to.

For Baralai it is Yevon. People corrupted its base by adding colour, extra beliefs and aspects of it that it should never have contained. For Baralai Yevon has never been a person, it is _Spira_, it is the very essence of our world. That's what he's taught New Yevon to believe. That's why this time it won't be corrupted with racism and the idea that they are above all others.

For Nooj-during his Deathseeker days-his meaning was a void…I suppose a little like the non-colour black. It's not a representation of evil, it is something very different, and it's the base of emptiness in life that Nooj had known (and may still know) for so long. Black is nothingness, an empty space that has no end, perfect for colour to built up on. But for Nooj that non-colour would always be visible, reminding him that behind it all there is no emotion, it shows no darkness. Black may get mixed with colours, but it will always stand out alone. It is much more than a colour, but also much less. An essence of the world, but one that is a void, and always will be even if you build up life's aspects over it,

Lady Yuna's non-colour is Spira, her colour is the people's choice on how to treat it. Paine…Paine has always been a mystery; I'm not even sure whether she knows herself.

I'm not even trying to understand what Brother thinks.

Rikku…Rikku doesn't focus on non-colour, she focuses on the colour kept and how beautiful it makes everything. Her outlook on life is what kept me going during the time it was first…well, you get the idea.

I've always wished I could be like Rikku, appreciate the colour more and not worry about the less than great aspects it sometimes include. But now it came back, and I hate colour. Colour is what brought it to me; non-colour would not be affected by it.

Mura…Mura always believed_ it _was a part of non-colour, and that idea almost destroyed me. Because if its apart of non-colour -a part of me that I can't change- then I'll never truly be rid of it. And that's just not an option.

_"Look Gip…it's just how it is. I don't like it anymore than you but…People like us just have to live with it and accept it as part of ourselves. That's the only way…"_

I laughed coldly at the memory, a memory from more innocent times, one were young children are all allowed to hope for a better future. My personal future was never to be a fairy tale. Not after _that _day.

I almost felt like crying again, but I didn't. I was too angry now, angry at everything. Why did _I _have to get it? Why was Mura able to control it when I couldn't? Why was I stupid enough to hope? Why am I _here_ on this freezing mountain? I've always wanted to come here, it's been my dream to see the stars when I'm on this mountain, be more in reach to them spiritually. But in the end everything just disappoints me, could I cope if this place does it too?

_"You can't escape it Gippal, and until you accept it you'll never be truly happy with your life…"_

Who knew Mura was so damn philosophical. I _really_ hate her sometimes. But then again, I don't. It's weird.

How I envy her, the freedom she had just because she can imagine **it** as part of **her** essence, part of her non-colour. Even if she's crazy, it must be a nice feeling to…accept. To now how it woeks and not always question how it should really be. I wish I had that.

But I _won't_ accept it. I won't be a fool to deceive myself just so I feel a little better about the fact I am far from okay.

Stupid mountain, will you soon disappoint me to? Will your snow turn out to be another despicable colour? Will the Ronso's prove instead to be as selfish as every other race is?

…After so many year of fighting, will I truly be defeated by my own mind? Will it control my thoughts and emotions to the point of breaking? **_What am I going to do?_**

I let out a small (but manly) scream of frustration, kneeling down in the snow and punching it, punching the miracle. And why couldn't I? Everyone else destroyed it, and it was proving useless to me after so many years of hoping…

This miracle wouldn't be able to help me. Nothing could.

Unless…

I stood up again, gazing ahead at the long twisted mountain path, it wasn't a very appealing sight, but I had to. I had to know.

So with a deep sigh I set off, the non-colour beneath my feet and a desperation within my heart.

**It came back. **


	4. Colour

**Non-colour **

A short chapter this, but it's needed here. The next chapter will be a flashback of the past, where you'll learn the truth about Mura, Brother, Gippal and Akio. Hope you enjoy!

**Colour**

Did I ever mention how much I _hate_ the cold? I did? Well, I'm saying it again. _I hate it!_

You have no idea how tempting it was to just end my misery by stepping a little too far to the side…but I didn't, and I'm pretty sure I'll come to regret it.

…Wait, did I just…

Oh fayth, I'm becoming Nooj!

This is what happens when the certain _thing_ which will not be named comes poking its way back into my life. The first time it had almost destroyed me completely, if it hadn't been for Rikku…

And now its back. And I'm on my own, halfway up a mountain, no Rikku in sight.

I heard there was a hot spring near the top how I long to be warm again. But my heart and mind are colder than my body, and to heat them up I have to reach that spot…

I have never been to this mountain before but Rikku had enlightened me on it a little. Apparently a Ronso-Yuna statue us up here somewhere…I'm jealous yet disturbed at the same time.

But I'll do sightseeing later; right now I'm looking for the path leading to the summit, and past that to the mountain ledge where Ronsos go to hear the mountain. Apparently Garik did this before, as Rikku put it, 'we kicked some sense into his furry brain with a fight!' and prevented the slaughter of the Guados.

I wasn't really interested in what happened then, I just wanted to see if a non-Ronso could hear the mountain. If I could be given an answer about how to get rid of it once and for all…

I was beyond desperate by this point, and I was in an even worse state by the time I finally reached the spot I was looking for.

By the way, just for the record, those lifeless fayth statues on the way give off a very bad vibe for me. It must really suck to be stuck on a wall like that. To think they lived as dreams but in reality were here to be gazed at and judged…I hate being judged, as an Al Bhed I've always been judged, and when I got the thing…

Okay, fine, let's just call it the illness, the illness which has come back into my life. When I got it the first time back when I was a kid, I was judged for that too. Even by the Al Bheds, who should know better when they've been subjected to racism, were you're thought less of just because of who you are. But Brother was the worse. He despised it. He despised how it existed, but mostly he hated how it happened to two people he knew, and one he was close to.

You see; he and Mura…they used to have this sort of flirting routine. Sure, Brother has always been weird but Mura like him that way. They were just kids back then and didn't have anything serious, but there was so much that they could have one day of had.

…But then it happened, one of many traumatic events people experience in that age of Spira. But it brought out the illness within Mura, and later me…

Brother got scared, he began to judge and did what most people would, he avoided her. He stopped the would-be flirting and broke her heart, unconsciously causing her mental status to worsen.

It wasn't his fault; it was bound to happen sooner or later. We all have to hit rock bottom at one point in life. That was Mura's, and it would have been mine…if not for Rikku.

Rikku has always been a cheerful person. And she adjusts to change, learning quickly what has to be done in order to cheer someone up. She helped me through the_ illness_, forced me to keep at life. I will always be grateful to her. Always. She's done more for me than she will ever actually realise.

Mura wasn't so lucky back then. We tried to help her, but we didn't know how. So I suggested for Akio to help her.

Akio was someone I had known since birth, he was my best friend, even more than Rikku (who was still just an immature kid back then, although en exceptionally caring one). if anyone could of helped Mura, it would have been him. At least, he was.

I looked out beyond the mountain ledge towards the ruins of Zanarkand. Another place I've never visited, and I doubt I will. There are just some tragic evidence of history I don't want to witness. So instead I closed my eye and I tried to listen.

I have no idea what I was trying to hear. What may make itself known to me with the journey of the wind. I didn't know anything. But I was desperate, desperate for an answer. Desperate for a cure. Desperate for the unwanted colours in my life to leave, so I could then return to a beautiful non-colour existence.

I needed that. I need it so badly my heart aches. My very soul bleeds tears of despair.

Why does the mountain stay silent? Why can't I hear what the Ronsos do? Why must I live with colours that I hate?

…Why is it hard? Why?

It came back. Why did it have to come back? Why did what happened ten years ago happen? Why? Why can't I stop what happened to Mura from consuming me? Will I too hurt those that will try and help me? Will I be placed in isolation like Mura? Will I become like her and betray those close to me just to escape? Will I destroy my best friends life like she did to Akio?

I can't hurt Rikku.

I won't.

Yet…the mountains won't speak to me.

"Please, I need your help. I need it to go away!" I shouted out, hearing it echo and then fade. No answer came. Nothing happened.

I was alone. And I had no help.

Forsaken and doomed. Doomed to go through what Mura did before I could ever escape it. But I refused to do that. I refuse.

I stepped closer towards the edge of the mountain making sure there was no path beneath it leading to Zanarkand before sighing.

I can't believe I'm doing this…

But I refuse to hurt Rikku with this condition…with my condition.

I sighed again and began to step off the edge…

Only to have my arm grabbed from behind.


	5. Voice of the Mountain

…Yeah, I bet this is a surprise. I'm actually updating after five years! I just got a sudden urge to re-read my Words Left Unspoken fic, and afterwards I read this one, and realised I really do need to finish it. Sorry, there's no excuse.

There's only one chapter after this one. My writing style has changed, so sorry if it's different from the previous chapters. And forget the flashback plan, I don't think it's needed. This fic was always going to be slightly ambiguous, so I think I'll leave most of the past to people's imaginations.

Voice of the Mountain

'Elder Gippal shouldn't do that.'

I jerked around, almost slipping off the edge. Kimahri's firm grip made me stumble to safety.

'Fryd dra?' (What the?) His grip hadn't loosened on my arm, and it _hurt_. 'What are you doing here?'

'Kimahri was about to ask that.' He grunted, his face hard to read. I tried a weak smile, not sure what else to do.

'Erm…Well, this may sound weird, but I wanted to hear the mountain the way you guys do. Any tips?'

An awkward staring contest ensued. I shuffled and winced. Fayth, was this big giant going to tell Rikku what I was doing?

'..Kimahri has never seen a human hear the mountain before.'

I blinked in surprise and smiled. If he wasn't going to mention my crazy moment, neither would I.

'Well, I'm Al Bhed.'

This got a grunt, and I think a twitch of a smile. Interesting.

'Open your ears.'

Well, _that_ was super helpful.

'Right, hadn't thought of that.' The sarcasm was automatic. Honest.

'Close your eye, young Elder.'

I' pretty sure I'd been down-graded with the 'young' comment, so I kept my next witty remark to myself and did as I was told.

'Now listen. Listen to Spira.'

I sighed, gritting my teeth. I tried, I really did, but the wind was loud, I was _freezing_ (have I mentioned I hate the cold?) and I really didn't see the point anymore. Clearly this Non Colour was limited to the Ronso, and someone like me wasn't privileged to it.

I wonder if Rikku could have heard it, if she stayed still long enough. Out of everyone, I think she was the most likely.

…But then again, the celebrity had her creepy statue, so maybe _she_ could hear it.

'You're not listening. Stop thinking. Be empty, be still, be open to everything.'

Open? I was definitely the wrong person for that.

I almost elbowed him when he clamped his hands on either side of my head, not that it would have had much effect. His grip wasn't painful, just resting over my ears.

'Empty.'

_Okay, okay, I'll try._

I emptied my mind, letting the fuzzy feeling of his hands (claws?) overtake my mind. I almost felt like I was floating, numb from the cold and detached from everything.

It was peaceful. A world where there was no good or evil, colour or non colour. No Gippal, no Al Bhed. Just Spira as one entity.

And then I heard it.

It was like a hymn, but more raw and powerful. I was vaguely aware of my breath hitching, as I listened, then my mouth moving, soundlessly mining the mountain's voice.

I don't know how long I stood there listening. I think I would have stayed forever, forgetting who I once was; but Kimahri's soft slap on my shoulders jolted me out of it.

Because he was a Ronso, and even a soft slap _hurt_.

'Dryd fyc...fruy.' (That was...whoa.)

'Kimahri impressed. Never seen a non-Ronso hear the mountain before.'

If I'd thought the stars were fayths, then the mountain's voice…it was a non colour. A purpose; a reason to make life meaningful. Hearing the voice of Spira itself…if Yevonites had said _that_ was Yevon, I would have been the first Al Bhed Yevonite in history.

I wiped tears off my face, laughing. I felt so light; so free.

_Maybe…maybe I can do this._

'Thank you.'

The sky was getting dark, the first stars already visible.

'Hey, can I ask you a favour?'

Akio liked to help people; he liked the feeling of being useful. So having me and Mura with our _illness_ made him…well, I wouldn't say happy, but it gave him a purpose.

I wasn't like that for Rikku. She just took it in stride and adjusted, ready to be there for me. She saved my life by not making a big deal out of it. It was part of life, and we coped the best we could. She always was good at that.

But after I wanted to prove myself, prove I was more than just this illness. So I tried to join the Crusaders. Then the Crimson Squad.

By that point Mura had spiralled out of control, destroying Akio with her. He tried to help, but she just saw it as charity, him keeping her as a pet. She left him, and he had no purpose left. I haven't seen him in years.

I don't want that to happen with me and Rikku. It's why I've never dared be more than friends. If it's back, then can I really drag her into a relationship? It's not fair. But…but I don't think I can this without her. She's my non colour, my purpose. Things seem so much clearer when I'm with her.

…I guess all I can do is tell her, and see what happens. I can't ignore this anymore. Mura was right, it is part of me; it always will be. Just like the Ronso are part of the mountain. It makes them complete, and this illness is part of me, without it I wouldn't be Gippal.

I still believe the stars are fayths, and I still think this mountain is the perfect place to see them. So I want her here with me. I want her to see everything that makes up Gippal of the Machine Faction.

'Gippal?' Her voice made me smile as I turned to face her. It was now pretty dark, but her bright colours were easy to spot. 'Kimahri said you wanted to see me?'

I grinned, holding out my hand.

'I need to show you something.'


	6. Purpose

Well, this is the last chapter. Sorry it's rushed, but I've lost the thread for it. The characterisation isn't great either, because I haven't played the game in ages. I did originally do some extensive research on Gippal's 'illness', but if it doesn't seem believable, feel free to think of a more suitable one when reading. I just wanted to do a short story where Gippal isn't happy-go-lucky, and that's why I started this. I probably won't be doing the stories I mentioned when writing 'Word's left unspoken' unless I really get back into Final Fantasy X-2, but if I did I would write another idea I have first, called Shadows, where Gippal realises he's slowly losing his sight, and how he copes with it. But my main goal is to complete my Shadow Hearts and Final Fantasy IX fic.

Anyway, hope you enjoy the last chapter!

Purpose

She didn't even hesitate before grinning and taking my hand, her teasing smile in place.

'You really are here to see the stars.'

'Just be quiet and humour me.' I said lightly. She grinned, standing beside me and looking up.

'They are pretty out here.' She said finally. 'So much clearer. Do you think the fayth can see us too?'

I quickly glanced at her, seeing if she was making fun. She was looking up, her face honest as she gazed up in wonder at the stars, their light reflected in her spiral eyes.

'I'm not sure, part of me hopes not. I must look like an idiot to them.'

'I don't think so. I think they'd admire you for being so strong.'

I scoffed at that, giving her a disbelieving look.

'Me? Strong? Rikku, you're the strongest person I know. You've saved the world twice, you've kept me sane all these years…and you never doubt yourself, ever. You're amazing.'

It took me about five seconds to realise how corny I sounded, and hoped my face wasn't as red as Rikku's. She ducked her head a little, then punched me in the arm, making me wince.

'Well, of course I'm great! But you're strong too Gippal. I don't suffer from manic depression, but I can see how hard it is on you. The fact you're still you, and you didn't have a complete breakdown like Mura, proves that.'

'She's better now.' I burst out, my fists tightening, clutching her hand harder. 'She's _normal_, and I don't understand it. How did she get better?'

I guess we all have those moments when we need a jolt back to reality. I'd always expected mine to involve physical violence…not that I was complaining when Rikku gave me a slow but light kiss on the lips.

'Gippal,' she whispered, her voice a little husky, 'She didn't get better, she just accepted it, and she learnt how to cope. Before she focused on other people being the problem or rescuing her. I can help, but it's you who needs the will to fight.' She leaned in closer again, her face exploding into a cheeky grin as she bopped my nose with her finger. 'And you have that.'

'I do, but…Rikku, are you sure about this? I can't ask you to be here for me when we could end up like Mura and Akio.

The whack on the head I got was less nice then the kiss earlier.

'Cdibet! (Stupid!) Do you really think I care about that? It's who you are Gippal, I've always known that. I like you, even when you can't like yourself. So shut up about it and kiss me!'

My purpose, my non colour. For so long I've told myself we could be nothing more than be friends, that it was unfair to expect more. But here she is, hitting me (a lot), and demanding I face the truth of who I really am. She accepts a side of me no one else can, because I've never let them see it. So who am I to deny this? Maybe this will make us both happy. Maybe I'm her non colour too.

'Of course, Princess.' I whisper, cupping her cheek and leaning down. She grinned before our lips met, and I closed my eyes to fully enjoy the moment.

Oh yes, I had found my non colour, my purpose. And I was never letting her go.

Unfortunately, oxygen became an issue. I pulled away, giving her one last tender kiss, before lifting my head away, but keeping her in my embrace. After all, we were on a snow covered mountain, and in that outfit, she must be freezing!

I felt her snuggle up to my chest, her head turning to face the mountain edge.

'Gippal, look!'

I turned my gaze from her to what she was pointing at, and laughed.

_'__And on the occasions when we begin to lose hope__…__that__'__s when we see a shooting star. A shooting star is them rushing down to help us, to give us a new form of hope. Do you understand?__'_

It was beautiful, a brilliant ball of light streaking across the sky. My new form of hope; my chance at this life.

'Thank you, Rikku.' I whispered, not taking my eyes off the shooting star. I felt her tighten her arms around me.

'Anytime Gippal. Anytime.'

A cheesy ending, maybe, but I always planned to end it there. The rest can be imagined (which is what I tend to do in my stories, I don't like perfectly rounded off endings). Sorry for the long time it took to finish it, you're all great to put up with it!


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